The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2004
Introduction Todd is sitting there at the piano, feeling bored Todd: Hey, you know what I haven't done in a while? One of those Top Ten lists. Yeah, Top Ten walks off to go and get something worst songs of random year. Yeah, that'll be fun, right? comes back with his pile of Billboard's year-end lists That's always fun. Looking at the horribly dated fashion trends of past decades and the ridiculous other things generations listened to in the past. Okay, time travelers, put on your poodle skirts and your leisure suits, picks out a list and drops the others 'cause we're taking a nostalgia ride in the wayback machine all the way to the far-off year of... looks at Billboard's year-end list issued December 25, 2004 ...huh. Okay. Todd throws the paper away and plays "Heaven" by Los Lonely Boys#37 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2004 A year-end review. Todd: his right index finger in the air Peace up, A-Town down? :Clip for "Yeah!" by Usher ft. Lil Jon and Ludacris #1 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 as the song plays in the background Todd (VO): Okay, I realize this is less than a decade ago, but 2004 is fading from memory more quickly than you probably realize. [Montage of clips of JibJab - "This Land," the Boston Red Sox winning the World Series, opening credits of ''Desperate Housewives, William Hung's American Idol audition, Katamari Damacy, and Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy]'' Howard Dean was a viable presidential candidate, people cared about Janet Jackson's breasts, lolcats didn't exist yet, and while I personally spent most of 2004 listening to Modest Mouse and the Killers, that's not really reflected in Billboard's list of the year's hottest songs. Todd: No, for the public at large, 2004 was the year of crunk. :Montage of clips from videos for J-Kwon - "Tipsy" (also playing in background)#11 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Ludacris ft. Shawnna - "Stand Up"#45 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Maroon 5 - "This Love"#4 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Outkast - "Roses"#56 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Twista, Kanye West and Jamie Foxx - "Slow Jamz"#16 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Snoop Dogg and Pharrell - "Drop It Like It's Hot"'#71 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Linkin Park - "Numb"#33 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Alicia Keys - "You Don't Know My Name"#29 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Jay-Z - "Change Clothes"#91 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Evanescence - "My Immortal"#19 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Britney Spears - "Toxic"#48 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Ashlee Simpson - "Pieces of Me"#39 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Jet - "Are You Gonna Be My Girl"#76 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Avril Lavigne - "Don't Tell Me"#92 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; Nelly and Tim McGraw - "Over and Over"#96 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; and R. Kelly - "Step in the Name of Love"#78 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :J-Kwon: Girl, everybody in the club. Todd (VO): There is some other stuff in there, but more than half this list is down 'n dirty, hip-hop party jams. We were shakin' it like a saltshaker and/or Polaroid picture, depending on the song. It wasn't like today, where the charts are largely the domain of the Katy Perrys and Rihannas. No, 2004 belonged to the Dirty South. And it all disappeared surprisingly quickly. I wasn't a chart watcher in '04 like I am now, but I have absolutely no knowledge of a distressing number of these songs, and I'm guessing many of them mean nothing to most of you too, unless names like Lil Flip, Nina Sky, or Ryan Cabrera ring any bells for ya. Todd: All the same, 2004 holds a special place for me. That was the year that some awful of "Welcome to My Life" by... Simple Plan song inspired me to start bitching about music on my LiveJournal, which I did for many years before I eventually converted it to video. Yes, this is basically the year that Todd In The Shadows was born. The birth of a legend. All right, enough wasting time, sings let's get it started in here. We're counting down... :Video for Ruben Studdard - "Sorry 2004"#53 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100, which serves as the interlude through the countdown :Ruben: Girl, this is my sorry for 2004 Todd (VO): The Top Ten Worst Hit Songs of 2004. :Ruben: I'm 'a take this one chance and make it real clear. :I'm sorry #10 Todd (VO): #10. :Clip from ''Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica :'Jessica Simpson': Is this chicken, what I have, or is this fish? I know it's tuna, but it... it says Chicken...by the Sea. '''Todd': There. Todd (VO): After thirteen years and a billion paparazzi photos, there you have Jessica Simpson's only major contribution to pop culture. Todd: Being outsmarted by a canned food label. Todd (VO): In 2003, Jessica Simpson launched her career as a reality star, one which she [Jessica on cover of ''OK!]'' apparently continues to this day. But believe it or not, she actually started her career as a singer, and she actually had some success in it. Todd: Not success anyone remembers, but, you know, success. #10. Jessica Simpson - "With You"#50 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 Todd (VO): Yes, the newly devirginized Jessica Simpson went forth that year to put out a new sexy image. But by 2004, as R&B took over, the pop scene had utterly no clue what to do with its regular pop princesses. :Jessica: I can let my hair down Todd (VO): I can only assume this one charted because of Jessica's publicity buzz from her TV show, but it is easily the worst Jessica Simpson song I've ever heard. Todd: And I've listened to lots and lots of Jessica Simpson. can only hang his head in shame. :Jessica: You speak and it's like a song :And just like that all my walls come down :It's like a private joke Todd (VO): And oddly enough, Jessica never really seemed particularly comfortable as a pop singer; certainly not on this, she doesn't. It's...well, listen to this song—it's herky-jerky, it's got this weird rhyme scheme, it sounds more like an inept mash-up than anything else. Todd: And Jessica Simpson is a belter. She knows how to do this. :Clip of "I Wanna Love You Forever" :Jessica: it out ...heaven never waits, no Todd: Not so good at this. :Back to "With You," with Jessica breathily vocalizing Todd (VO): More than that, I'm a little annoyed that this completely synthetic piece of tripe is Jessica presenting herself as "the real her." And you're cutting through the layers of showbiz to see who she really is. :Jessica: The real me is a southern girl with her Levi's on and an open heart Todd (VO): Right. No. This is so calculated, it was written on a of... TI-83. Chances are that even her husband never met the real Jessica. I certainly don't buy that this malformed piece of fluff is anything real. :Jessica: I can say anything crazy Todd (VO): Oh, look at how down home and real she is, she's not a living, breathing publicity machine at all. She's just Jessica from the block. Todd: Whatever. :Jessica: Now that I'm with you Interlude #9 Todd (VO): #9. Todd: Now, like I said, I was only listening to rock music in '04, so I was a little shocked at how little there was of it on this list. Why is the rock so unrepresented? Surely, we had someone to be our standard-bearer of rock 'n roll. of Nickelback, accompanied by a frightening chord Oh. Well, God, no wonder this genre was dying. #9. Nickelback - "Someday"#17 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Chad Kroeger: How the hell'd we wind up like this :Why weren't we able Todd: No, no, that's a good question, Chad. How did we? Todd (VO): How did we end up like this, every single year of the Bush administration, like clockwork, with another completely awful Nickelback single stinking up the radio? Nickelback were always a terrible band from the very beginning, but it was right around this year that they began building their reputation... Todd: ...not just as a bad band, but as the worst band of all time. :Nickelback: Someday, somehow :Chad: I'm gonna make it all right, but not right now Todd (VO): Somewhere, there's somebody who will tell you that the critics were too harsh on them, but that person is not me. Now, their big hit in 2004 was called "Someday," and it was mainly only notable for being a shit-blisteringly blatant recycling of their first big hit. So much so that one amazing remix just played them side-by-side for comparison. :Clips of "Someday" and "How You Remind Me" playing side-by-side and simultaneously :Chad: How the hell'd we wind up like this (Never made it as a wise man) :Why weren't we able (I couldn't cut it as a poor man stealing) :To see the signs that we... (Tired of living like a blind man) Todd: Why they would want to recycle a song that was awful to begin with is beyond me. People use the term "butt rock" to refer to a lot of things... Todd (VO): ...but I think it best applies to Chad Kroeger, because he literally sounds like a butt. :Chad: Someday, SOMEHOW... Todd (VO): That, more than anything, is the key component in Nickelback's rock-bottom reputation—the fact that Kroeger the Ogre sounds like he's singing directly out of his colon. :Chad: ...since we're here ANYWAY Todd (VO): Every single song, he just wails like that. How do you think he answers the phone? of Chad mid-wail, as Todd imitates HELLOOOOO!!! Also, this is a minor nitpick, but the lyrics suck too. :Nickelback: Someday, somehow :Chad: I'm gonna make it all right, but not right now Todd: He's gonna make it right, but not right now. I mean, the game's on. Can't it wait? Jeez. :Chad: ...knows THAT Todd (VO): And the sad part is that Nickelback would go on to get worse. :Clips of "Savin' Me"... :Nickelback: Say it if it's worth saving me Todd: Much worse... :...and "Photograph" :Chad: Look at this photograph Todd: ...than "Someday." I mean... Todd (VO): ...this was before they were dropping six singles from an album at a time. This wound up low on the list simply because Nickelback can do so much worse. As one of the few people on Earth who can distinguish between different Nickelback songs, I can tell you that, just off the top of my head, I can think of seven songs they had worse than this. :Chad: How the hell'd we wind up like this Todd (VO): Any other band, this would be the worst thing they ever did. Todd: Just another day for Nickelback. :Nickelback: I know you're wondering when Interlude #8 Todd (VO): #8. Todd: This is not about Beyonce. #8. Beyonce ft. Sean Paul - "Baby Boy"#69 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Beyonce: Baby boy you stay on my mind :Fulfill my fantasies :Sean Paul: C'mon girl, tell me how you feelin' Todd (VO): I know I already said I'm not a Beyonce fan—never was, probably never will be. That said, she did have at least a couple songs I liked. This obviously isn't one of them, but this isn't about her. :Sean Paul: Ya ready gimme da ting dat ya ready get ya live Todd (VO): Reggae star Sean Paul is featured more on this song than Miss B is, but it's not about him either, although it was pretty easy to get sick of Sean Paul that year. Todd: No, this is about a chubby white boy named Scott Storch. :Clip of Scott Storch interview and his episode of ''MTV Cribs '''Todd (VO)': Scott Storch was a keyboard player for the Roots, and then he was an underling of producer Timbaland, and then he struck out making beats on his own. And he was very successful for a few years. Todd: I bring him up because he absolutely sucked. :Montage of clips of Terror Squad - "Lean Back"#10 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100; 50 Cent ft. Olivia - "Candy Shop"; Beyonce - "Naughty Girl"; and back to "Baby Boy" Todd (VO): I blame every shitty dance song I heard between '03 and '06 on him. I couldn't stand a single song he touched, mostly because all his shit sounded exactly the same—some vaguely world music-sounded Indian riff or something, add hip hop beat, done. Anyone could've done it, but Scott went the extra mile by making the most shrink-wrapped, sterile beats so utterly devoid of life or fun that...ugh! When we had guys like the Neptunes and Timbaland making actual fun music... Todd: ...I have no idea why we tolerated this tubby, talentless hack making our hits. Todd (VO): One would expect such a force of personality as Beyonce to liven things up, but, see...here's the thing. Beyonce's good at explaining why she's awesome or destroying some inferior specimen of man. Todd: If only she'd brought that kind of energy to this. Todd (VO): On love songs, more than a few times, she just seems to clock out, which is why she seems like a non-presence on this song. :Beyonce: Feels like true paradise to me Todd (VO): Scott Storch eventually flamed out, MC Hammer style, in a cloud of cocaine, lawsuits, and of Storch in orange bathrobe ridiculous outfits. I choose to believe it was karma. Lord knows whatever happened to Beyonce. Todd: Anyone ever hear from her again? Pfft. Probably not, I bet. :Beyonce: I think about you all the time :I see you in my dreams Interlude #7 Todd (VO): #7. Todd sighs and plays a single E on his piano sixteen times, which are the opening notes for... #7. Hoobastank - "The Reason"#6 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Doug Robb: I'm not a perfect person... Todd (VO): Oh, would that this have been one of the songs from this year I don't remember. Of course, I don't know how that would happen because, in that year and every year since, "The Reason" by Hoobastank has been one of the most wretchedly overplayed songs that's ever existed. :Doug: That I just want you to know... Todd (VO): Hoobastank were honestly not a terrible band. They were pretty clearly Incubus wannabes, yes, but I didn't have anything against them at all. And yet, I developed an allergic reaction to "The Reason" almost immediately. of Cinderella - "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)" Plenty of hard rock bands released terrible ballads, but at least back in the '80s, it was cheesy and over the top. "The Reason," however, is a "worst of both worlds" scenario, combining the ugly, sludgy sound of a Nickelback song, with the vapid, hacky lyrics of a Peter Cetera ballad. Todd: Just listen as master poet Doug Robb finds just the right words to express the idea that he's not a perfect person. :Doug: I'm not a perfect person... Todd: And weaves romantic tapestry of imagery to show that he's sorry that he hurt you. :Doug: I'm sorry that I hurt you... Todd: And finds a new spin on the tired, insincere cliche, "I never meant to do those things to you." :Doug: I never meant to do those things to you... Todd: Genius. Yeah, this guy's not any better at apologizing than Nickelback. Although, at the very least, he's a better singer than Chad Kroeger. beat Usually. :Clip of live performance :Doug: cracking I'm not a perfect person... Todd (VO): It's just not a very convincing song. Oh, I never meant to do those things. I'm not gonna say which things. You know, those things. Whatever those things are, maybe he, I don't know, sold her dog and slept with all her friends. :Doug: To change who I used to be... Todd (VO): You can't change who you used to be, dumbass. The song starts with the guy saying he isn't perfect, and then he goes on to prove it. Hoobastank immediately disappeared after their biggest hit. And yet, despite Hoobastank's lack of further success, "The Reason" persists in all its dull, gray awfulness. For the love of God, why won't it just go away? Todd: This song Hooba-sucks. :Doug: And the reason is you... Interlude #6 Todd (VO): #6. :Clip of Nelly - "Hot in Herre" :Nelly: It's getting hot in here :So take off all your clothes Todd: Hot in...herre? cover Herre...herre. Whateverre. Todd (VO): Nelly wasn't exactly a great rapper, but he was an original. The first rapper to break out of the Midwest, one with a unique sing-song flow and a strange way of bending words. Todd: Naturally, after Nelly's second album went multi-platinum in '02, ripoffs started showing up almost immediately. :Clip of Chingy - "Right Thurr" :Chingy: I like the way you do that right thurr (right thurr) :Switch your hips when you're walkin', let down your hurr Todd (VO): This guy's name was Chingy, or possibly cover Chin-jee, I'm not sure. Like Nelly, he came from St. Louis; like Nelly, he didn't seem overburdened with intelligence; un''like Nelly, I don't think anyone ever liked him. One of the amazing things about the Internet is that you can find someone who can ''of Slate article: "Was Limp Bizkit Really That Bad?" make a decent defense of just about anybody in the world. But Chingy was one of the few people I remember who the entire consensus said was just crap. Todd: And just like Hoobastank above, he was at his worst when he was trying to be romantic. #6. Chingy ft. J-Weav - "One Call Away"#25 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Chingy and J-Weav: Gimme a call if you wanna come roll with me :Chingy: If you was my baby Todd (VO): Chingy was one of those guys whose entire idea of romance came from Internet porn videos. :Chingy: She in the bed with a see-through thong Todd (VO): He didn't exactly liven things up with great lyrics or amazing flow. In fact, his voice is by far the worst thing about him. He seems shocked by everything he says. :Chingy: The next day I'm with the fellas at the cage playing ball?? :Here she comes wit her friends?!?! :They posted up on the wall??!!??? Todd (VO): Seriously, is Urkel dubbing this guy? Does he have a case of the hiccups or what? :Chingy: It was weird how we met, huh :She was wit her mom at Bank America :I'm wit my son cashin' the check Todd (VO): Hey, don't creep on girls at the bank or the grocery store or whatever. Jeez. :Chingy: We started off casual; walks through the park :Candle light dinners by dark, I'm thinkin' smart Todd: Now let me sum up this entire song for you. :Clip from ''The Boondocks '' :Ed Wuncler III: I'm a send that bitch a smiley face. Bitches love smiley faces. :Chingy: If you was my baby Todd: You know what else is one call away? of Chingy plastered with "...WHO?" Irrelevance. :Chingy: If you was my lady Interlude #5 Todd (VO): #5. #5. Lloyd ft. Ashanti - "Southside"#84 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Lloyd: Tell ya daddy stop his hatin' :Cuz I be wearing braids and rockin' jerseys daily :But that don't mean I'm thuggin' though Todd: Okay, now who the hell is this puke? :Lloyd: Baby I know a place that we can go and be alone Todd (VO): 'kay, this is...Lloyd. Never heard of him. :Lloyd: Don't worry baby :Meet me at the southside Todd (VO): Well, that's an excellent Marilyn Monroe impression he's doing. This guy's a singer, really? Todd: 'Cause he's singing like he has a bad case of hay fever and a pipe wrench tightened on his nuts. :Ashanti: As long as you make sure that you safely get me home Todd (VO): Granted, not everything about "Southside" by Lloyd is terrible. It's got a nice, soft, romantic guitar, and the beautiful voice of Ashanti, who I was never even really a fan of, but just absolutely blows Lloyd out of the water here. Todd: And yet, the positive parts of this song just highlight how completely terrible Lloyd is. :Ashanti: But I know that if he knew you :He would understand ya :Know that you're my man and... Todd (VO): This is a song about the two of them arranging a romantic rendezvous away from the eyes of her dad, who disapproves of his jerseys and braids and the fact that he looks like of Lloyd a cast member of Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. It's funny that they mention this overprotective dad because this song kinda forces you into that role—trying to protect your beautiful girl from running off with a guy who's nowhere near good enough for her. Again, I wasn't even a fan of her, but I hear this and I feel like... Todd: ..."Son, that little girl there is my princess, and if you even got even half a mind to touch a hair on her head, I want you to know I got a shotgun and I know how to use it. You keep that in mind, son." Todd (VO): But I mean, he was 18 at the time. No wonder he sounds like that, he could barely drive. Todd: I'm sure now that he's in his late-20s, he's got some bass in his voice. :Clip of "Dedication to My Ex (Miss That)" ft. Lil Wayne and Andre 3000 :Lloyd: Baby, something's on my mind, I gotta say it :Yeah, your pussy done changed Todd: Oh, I guess not. What else has he done? :Clip of Young Money - "BedRock" :Lloyd: Call me Mr. Flintstone :I can make your bedrock Todd (VO): Oh, wait, it's that guy! The "Bedrock" douche! He sung the hook on one of the worst songs I've ever reviewed. And although everyone involved deserves some of the blame... Todd: ...especially Gudda Gudda... Todd (VO): ...most of all, I hated this singer. It's kind of comforting to know that he always sucked. :Lloyd: ATL Georgia, what do we do for ya :Bull doggin' like we Georgetown Hoyas Todd (VO): seductively Oh, baby. Georgetown Hoyas. Big East Conference. Todd: I'm gonna fill out your March Madness bracket. with finger :Ashanti: Southside, southside, southside... Interlude #4 Todd (VO): #4. #4. Kelis - "Milkshake"#41 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Kelis: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard :And they're like, it's better than yours :Damn right it's better than yours :I can teach you, but I have to charge Todd: on him Oh, my God. I...I hate this song. Todd (VO): I did not realize that before. Why didn't... this song is awful. How did...how did I not notice? I mean, I must've heard it a billion times, and I guess I just kinda thought, you know, it's funny, they sing it in Dodgeball, it's...it's... Todd: It's really bad. :Kelis: La la-la la la :Warm it up Todd (VO): Kelis...um...she basically just ended up the world's warmup for Fergie, and this was her biggest hit, and it's... Todd: ...holy crap, I don't even know what to say. It's just...terrible, it's just...just flat-out, freaking crap. I mean...am I crazy? :Kelis: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard Todd (VO): Okay, so...um...Kelis is proud of her milkshake...we never ever really found out what her milkshake was. Apparently, its recipe is worth something. :Kelis: I could teach you, but I'd have to charge Todd (VO): I'm guessing she means more than the of McDonald's shake $2.59 it costs at McDonald's. Like...I...I don't even know what I'm talking about. I'm...I'm just dumbfounded. I really didn't know I hated this song so much. Todd: It's...it's unlistenable, it sounds like garbage, it's disjointed, it's awful, it's just noise. It's the...it's the worst thing the Neptunes ever made. Am I the only one who notices? :Kelis: My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard Todd (VO): Milkshake? I drink your milkshake? I don't know what to say. Some people who hate it now, hate it because they got sick of it. I mean, I wasn't sick of it, it just sucks. It just plainly, obviously sucks. Todd: Right? :Kelis sips as Todd still comes to grips with this realization. Interlude #3 Todd (VO): #3. :Clip of Youngbloodz - "Damn!"#68 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Lil Jon: Don't start no shit, it won't be no shit :Don't start no shit, it won't be no shit Todd (VO): Now like I said, a large chunk of the Hot 100 this year was Crunk&B party jams. I'd have put more of them on here if I could tell them apart, but mostly they're just mediocre. On top of that, they're all pretty vapid. It really does make a person wish someone would inject some substance into this genre. Todd: Enter salvation from an unlikely source. :Clip of The LOX ft. Lil Kim and DMX - "Money, Power & Respect" :Jadakiss: Yo nutin' but the hotness. :Whenever we drop this. :Monotonous for ya'll to keep hatin' Todd (VO): Yes, New York rapper Jadakiss—member of The LOX, affiliated with DMX, mostly known as a gangsta rapper, for... but who set aside his normal MO for his best-charting single. A song where he asked hard questions about society, racism, politics, the music industry, and many other topics. Todd: It was called "Why." #3. Jadakiss ft. Anthony Hamilton - "Why"#62 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Anthony Hamilton: All that I been givin' :Is this thing that I've been living Todd (VO): Like I said, it was a serious departure from the mindless trends of its time. So why is "Why" on this list? Well, despite its admirable intentions, it had one itty-bitty issue. Todd: Jadakiss was a moron. :Jadakiss: Why is Jadakiss as hard as it gets :Why is the industry designed to keep the artist in debt Todd (VO): Look, he tried. He tried. But it turns out some people should stick to what they know because Jadakiss is well out of his depth. While some of the questions might be worth answering... :Jadakiss: Why they stop lettin' brothers get degrees in jail Todd: ...turns out a lot of these questions are things that only he cares about. :Jadakiss: Why I can't come through in the pecan Jag Todd: Or shouldn't care about. :Jadakiss: Why at the bar you ain't take straight shots instead of poppin' Crist Todd: a glass What business is it of yours, jerk? Let me drink. Todd (VO): Or he's asking questions that just reveal his own ignorance. :Jadakiss: Why Halle have to let a white man pop her to get a Oscar :Why Denzel have to be crooked before he took it Todd: You know that [clip of 62nd Academy Awards, with Denzel Washington winning the Best Supporting Actor Oscar for ''Glory]'' Denzel had an Oscar before Training Day, right? :Jadakiss: Why they ain't give us a cure for AIDS Todd: Because they just don't like you, Jadakiss. There are scientists out there specifically withholding the cure for AIDS from you. :Jadakiss: Why my buzz in L.A. ain't like it is in New York Todd: Because you're a New York rapper. Duh. A-Rod doesn't walk around wondering why he's not as popular in Boston, you dumbass. :Jadakiss: Why they come up wit the witness protection :Why they let the Terminator win the election Todd (VO): Stupid question after stupid freaking question. :Jadakiss: Why you gotta do eighty-five percent of your time :Why you ain't stackin' instead of tryin' to be fly :Why they never get it poppin' but they party to death :Clip of Insane Clown Posse - "Miracles" :Shaggy 2 Dope: Fucking magnets, how do they work? Todd (VO): Look, you want thoughtful rap, go to Common or Lupe Fiasco or Mos Def. Todd: Don't go to Jadakiss, who thinks this is an insightful commentary on current events. :Jadakiss: Why do people push pounds of powder :Why did Bush knock down the towers Todd: beat Oh. :Jadakiss: Why did Bush knock down the towers Todd (VO): Oh, you're one of those, huh? Well, he did it because the Illuminati needed him to cover up the CIA's mind control program or whatever the hell your crazy ass believes. :Jadakiss: Why did Kobe have to hit that raw :Why he kiss that whore, why Todd: You mean the alleged rape victim? That whore? Here's a question for you—''why'' don't you go eat a dick?! Interlude #2 Todd (VO): #2. Todd: Okay, look, I'm not a prude. I am not opposed to cursing. I don't get offended when someone drops an F-bomb in front of me, as long as it's done correctly. See, there's a way to do it properly. :Clip of Cee Lo Green - "Fuck You" :Cee Lo Green: I'm like, fuck you Todd: And then there's doing it wrong. :Clip of... :Enrique Iglesias: But tonight, I'm fucking you. Todd: And then there's doing it wrooong. #2. Eamon - "Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)"#63 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Eamon: Fuck what I said, it don't mean shit now :Fuck the presents, might as well throw 'em out :Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack :Fuck you, you ho, I don't want you back Todd (VO): Don't remember this song? It was big. It went to #1 in nine countries. No, I don't remember it either. Todd: But let me introduce you to the man singing it—doofy Staten Island douche named Eamon. :Eamon: Fuck you, you ho, I don't want you back Todd: It's...*sigh* :Eamon: You could ask anyone :I even said you were my great one Todd: This is like listening to that "Graduation" song by Vitamin C with a colicky baby screaming curse words over it. Todd (VO): I guess his girl cheated on him, so he dumped her, and he's rejecting her attempts to get back with her. No, no, actually, no. Here's what I'm guessing actually happened. He got cheated on, then he got dumped by her, and then this is him writing a song about how he wished it went down. :Eamon: Fuck all those kisses, they didn't mean jack Todd (VO): It's honestly too pathetic to be offended by. There can't be a single person who ever listened to this and grooved to it unironically. This is the kind of thing VH1 Awesomely Bad Countdowns were made for. Even if you do like it ironically... Todd: ...and from research, that's the only people I can find who do like this song. Even if you like it ironically, of "Fuck You" we already have a much better "F You" song written by a much better artist that's funny on purpose, and you can listen to it without guilt. :Eamon: You played me, you even gave him head :Now you asking for me back :You just another act Todd (VO): I might have to do a further episode on this, because I'm looking, and, uh...[album cover of ''I Don't Want You Back]'' this guy's album included such unfairly ignored potential hits as "Get Off My Dick," "I Love Them Hoes," and "Ass Is Fat." :Eamon: Fuck you, you ho, I don't want you back Todd (VO): And no one anywhere wanted you back either, Eamon. Todd: At least you have this one great song as your legacy. Pfft. Interlude #1 Todd (VO): #1. Todd: It feels bizarre that I should assign the #1 song on this list to, by far, its most talented artist. But you know what? It's inevitable. Everyone's got a bad one in them, and any artist that doesn't die young will eventually run out of steam at some point. They get old, they get complacent. No one can keep the fire burning forever. It happens. But until the end of my days, I don't think I will ever, ever see such a shocking drop in quality as this. :Video for...wait for it... :Eminem: Down, down down :Down, down down. Todd: You broke my heart, Marshall. You broke my heart. #1. Eminem - "Just Lose It"#98 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 :Eminem: Now I'm gonna make you dance :It's your chance :Yeah boy shake that thang :Oops I mean girl :Girl girl girl Todd: You remember in Space Jam from same where aliens secretly stole the talent from NBA stars and suddenly those players completely sucked? Todd (VO): I can only assume something similar happened to Eminem in 2004 because I can't come up with a single better explanation for what happened to Slim. The song was called "Just Lose It." Todd: And Eminem just lost it. :Eminem: Alright, now lose it. *Pee-Wee Herman laugh* :Just lose it *Pee-Wee Herman laugh* Todd (VO): All of a sudden, Eminem had become everything his critics always said he was—witless, unfunny, obnoxious, and trying too hard to shock. And what was shocking about Eminem when he first came out is that he genuinely seemed as angry and violent as he came off. You could tell right from the beginning of "Just Lose It," though, that Eminem wasn't trying anymore. :Eminem: What else could I possibly do to make noise? :I done touched on everything but little boys Todd: Oh, so shocking. No one actually believes you're going to molest children, Em. Todd (VO): It was the first Eminem song that was actually as bad as an Insane Clown Posse song. Eminem was supposed to be vicious, angry, dangerous. Todd: Not this! :Eminem: Give a little "poot poot," it's OK! *Fart* :Oops my CD just skipped :And everyone just heard you let one rip Todd: chuckle :Eminem: Stop. Pajama time Todd (VO): MC Hammer? Michael Jackson? Beavis and Butt-Head references? :Eminem: Like TP for my bunghole Todd: How sad is this? If he made a Lorena Bobbitt joke, it'd actually make the song more timely. Todd (VO): More importantly, what happened to his flow? Just a year before, this was the Eminem I knew. :Clip of "Lose Yourself" :Eminem: Snap back to reality, Oh there goes gravity :Oh, there goes Rabbit, he choked :He's so mad, but he won't give up that :Easy, no - Todd: And now we've got... :Eminem: Chubba chubba chubba chubba chubba chubbie :I don't have any lines to go right here so, chubba teletubbie! Todd: That wasn't a rap, that was a statement of contempt for you, the listener. Em, that was pathetic. What do you have to say for yourself? :Eminem: Alright, now lose it. *Pee-Wee Herman laugh* Todd: I'm sorry, could you repeat that? :Eminem: *Pee-Wee Herman laugh* Todd: laugh What are you saying? :Eminem: *Pee-Wee Herman laugh* Todd: Just checking. :Eminem: Fellas (WHAT?!) Fellas (WHAT?!) :Grab you left nut, make your right one jealous (what?) Todd: After the unmitigated disaster that was the entire Encore album, Eminem wisely decided to sit out the rest of the decade. After a flop attempt at a comeback, Eminem finally regained some kind of form in 2010. He's still not as good as he was in his prime, but at least he's not this. :Eminem: UmMmMmm touch my body Todd (VO): Then again, the fact that this exists at all was probably evidence of intentional career sabotage. Todd: I don't miss 2004 and I'm betting Eminem doesn't either. Closing tag song: Mario Winans, Enya and P. Diddy - "I Don't Wanna Know"#7 on Billboard Year-End Hot 100 THE END This list is why I didn't go to many parties that year This video is owned by me Footnotes Category:Countdown Lists Category:Guides Category:Todd In The Shadows Transcripts